Helluva Boss Contract Killers
by Tarneercat1999
Summary: When you want somebody gone and you don’t want to wait too long, call the Immediate Murder Professionals! Set in the universe of Hazbin Hotel-Follow the adventures of I.M.P. As they try to stay afloat in both the living and dead worlds of their business, hire new staff, tackle new clients, and just try to stay alive in general.
1. HarryBrooks

Vanity was created by Jaeger Shorrock, but has given me permission to use her in the story.

Another day in Hell is off to great start. Well not really. Blitzo is having a meeting in his office with a client who can't pay his bill.

Blitzo-" Sir let me explain to you how this works. You hire our services, we kill your target. You either pay us before or after the job is done, I personally don't give a shit. But payment is implied. So let me ask you WHERE THE FUCK IS MY MONEY?!" He yelled as he slammed his fist on the table and aimed his gun at the monkey demon.

MD-" Loo-look Mr Blitzo." He said petrified. " I'll ge-get ya your money, I swear."

Blitzo-" Don't swear ass-prick just get me my cash.!" He threatened as he opened the window. " Well would you look at that."

MD-" What?" He asked curiously.

Blitzo-" Just come and look."

MD moved to the window and peered out, Blitzo pointed at the street.

Blitzo-" See, it's right there." He pointed out.

MD-" What?"

Blitzo-" Your landing strip." He grinned before kicking him out the window, sending him falling onto the street in terror. He landed on top of a car that then swerved into a building, as he laid there on the street. " Millie bring me a spear and some paper!" He yelled.

Millie-" Sure thing boss!" She replied cheerfully.

Blitzo-" Thank you."

Blitzo wrote on the paper. " You have one day, get me my money or the next one won't miss." He them impaled the note on the spear and flung it at the MD, hitting him right in the foot. He screamed in agony.

Blitzo-" I DIDN'T MEAN FOR THAT TO HIT YOU, SORRY! YOU CAN KEEP THE SPEAR! We really need to review our payment plans." He pointed out as he shut the window. " I mean these jack-fucks actually think they can skip out on paying their contract, it's just stupid even considering it."

Moxie-" It is an odd idea sir. Don't they know that we can find them? I mean they put their Zip Code in every contract before signing."

Blitzo-" Millie if human souls are good at one thing it's thinking they can do something, and then find a way to either get out of, or not have to pay for it. Especially the American humans. I mean all humans are dumb but Satan give me strength. The British are not better with their Brexit."

Millie-" Speaking of Brittan, our next contract is in England." Millie handed him the new contract.

Blitzo reads the contract, picking put key words as he does. " Bolton, England, Harry Brooks. This guy just sounds like an asshole by his name. It says here that he is a jock, and a repressed gay furry. Is any of this factual?"

Millie-" I don't think so sir."

Blitzo-" It doesn't t matter anyway, we have our job. Did they pay?"

Millie-" Yep." Millie handed the cash over to him.

Blitzo checked to see if it was counterfeit. " Seems real enough." The two head out of the office and go find Moxie. He's having a argument with Loona.

Loona-" What am I supposed to say to her Moxie?" She asked angrily. " I told her she could have the job!"

Moxie-" I don't care." He replied while writing something at the table. " You got yourself into this mess Loona, you know I'm the head of hiring and firing and you know this."

Loona-" It's definitely the only head you have, thats for sure. You little cockles ass hole."

Moxie-" NOW LOOK HERE YOU RABID MUT!-" He yelled as stood up on the table.

Loona-" -WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!" She asked enraged as she pushed her chair back to the wall.

Blitzo-" What is going on in here?!" He demanded to know as he walked in.

Moxie-" Loona only went and told one of her friends she could have a job here. Without asking or even telling me first."

Loona-" I owe her a favour, besides she could help out around here. I've been needing a secretary for some time now."

Moxie-" Loona. SECRATERIES DON'T GET TO HAVE SECRATERIES!" He yelled as Millie hugged him from behind. " Millie I'm fine."

Millie-" I don't like seeing you stressed out." She muffled as she buried her face in his back.

Loona pretended to be sick. Millie heard her and gave her the finger, her face still burred in her husbands back.

Blitzo-" Who is this friend of yours?" He asked.

Moxie-" Sir you cannot be seriously-."

Blitzo-" -I'm the boss Mox so shut the fuck up." Moxie rubbed his eyes in exhaustion.

Loona-" Her name is Vanity. She's a little self-absorbed."

Moxie-" With a name like that I'm not surprised." He said sarcastically.

Loona-" But she's great at separating peoples heads from their bodies." She retorted threateningly. " She killed her parents after they told her she couldn't have a car for her birthday."

Moxie-" That seems like a bit of an overreaction." He said confused.

Loona-" She was nine years old at the time."

Blitzo-" An interesting backstory. I will consider it Loona, but I make no promises. Moxie set up a meeting when we get back, in the meantime we have another job. TO THE PORTAL!" He yelled like an idiot before running out of the room doing a superhero pose.

On Earth, the group is ready to commit another job. Inside Harry's house at midnight, they tried to make a very well thought out and carefully quite entrance. And then it started raining and they broke down the door, running in wet as a dog in heat.

Blitzo-" On wonder the Europeans hate this country." He said as he wringed out his coat. " If I lived here I'd hate me too. All right let's do this." He smirked as she clocked his gun.

The group knocked down the door of his room, and shot him while he slept under his covers.

Blitzo-" Normally I'd put more passion in this but I'm in a hurry, you understand right?" He asked the corpse.

No response.

Millie and Moxie get to work dismembering the body, sawing it and ripping of his limbs.

Moxie-" Sir I have to ask, are you really going to hire Loona's friend?" Moxie asked as he tore off Harry's leg.

Blotzo-" I'm considering it, not gunna lie." He replied while going through the victims stuff.

Millie-" It wouldn't hurt to have another assassin around. Someone to help us with the messy work."

Moxie-" I suppose, Honey. But I'm still not sure."

Blitzo-" Moxie you're just pissed because Loona did it behind your back, and said you have no dick." He said smugly.

Moxie-" THAT IS NOT TURE!" He defended.

Millie-" It's ok sweetie. Most men have smaller-."

Moxie-" Baby. I love you but please stop talking." He said exhaustedly.

After finishing the job, the group headed back through the portal.

Blitzo-" Look I will meet with this, Vanity and decide for myself. But nothing is being done today Moxie, so you can relax."

Blitzo opened the door to see Loona showing someone around the office. A chalk white, slim, bunny daemon, with blue eyes and log eye laches, wearing a leatherjacket and a torn skirt. Everyone stood silent before Blitzo blurted out. " Who the fuck is this pale ragdoll?"

Loona-" This is Vanity, Blitzo!" She said annoyed.

Moxie-" I told you not to-."

Loona-" I know what you said and I ignored it. Vanity this is Blitzo, Millie, and Small dick."

Vanity-" A Pleasure." She said gallantly.

Millie-" Oh, well thank you."

Vanity-" Oh no. Sorry I meant that it must be a pleasure for you to meet me."

Moxie-" I can see where she gets her name from." He said sarcastically.

Vanity-" I assume you will want to hire me straight away, my talents are highly sort after so I suggest you sign me on before anyone else has the opportunity."

Blitzo-"Yes well-Vanity."

Vanity-" Oh Please call me Val."

Blitzo-" Ok Val. I suppose now is as good a time for an interview as any. Loona cancel my three o'clock." He ordered.

Loona-" You don't have a three o'clock."

Blitzo-" Then arrange me one and cancel it! Val If you would please just step into my office."

Blitzo guides her into his office and shuts the door. Moxie looks on and says. " This can only end badly."


	2. LadyKuvira

After an unexpected introduction, Blitzo finds himself interviewing a potential new member of his staff. Whether he wants to or not.

Blitzo-" So, let's get straight into it Vanity, why do you want this job?"

Vanity-" It's simple really darling." She said gallantly. " I want a form of employment that will allow me to express myself, and give me an opportunity to indulge my passion."

Blitzo-" And what is your passion, if you don't mind me asking?"

Vanity-" I want to be able to kill people. I've always** hated humanity, with a burning hot fury, they poison the Earth and give next to no consideration to their fellow man. They are a blight on the universe and should be erased form the very concept of existence itself!" She said cheerfully fanatical.**

Blitzo remained silent, thinking to himself. " This bitch is crazier than Stolas."

Vanity-" The truth is back when I was alive I wanted to be an assassin." She elaborated. " I practiced for years building up my training, traveling all across the world, killing where ever I could. I was quite brilliant at it if I do say so myself."

Blitzo-" And you do." He said under his breath.

Vanity-" I finally met my most ghastly end when a revolver I bought from a second hand shop in Seattle jammed and exploded my hand right off. The man I was trying to kill then strangled me and beat me with the handle, leaving me to die. I got quite the surprise when I wound up here let me tell you."

Blitzo-" Most people are surprised when they first get here. But afterlife's do exist, and hell isn't that bad once you get sued to it."

Vanity-" Yes, I suppose so. I mean the least I can do it make the best of it until this horrible mix-up gets sorted out."

Blitzo-" Mix up?" He asked confused.

Vanity-" Well I mean obviously there's been some sort of cock up, hasn't there? A person like me doesn't belong here, there must be a mistake."

Blitzo-" Holly crap on a cracker." He said exhaustedly. " Are you telling me that you believe you should go to heaven?"

Vanity-" I thought it was obvious." She replied surprised. " On Earth it was my mission to purify the unworthy, by bashing their skulls in with whatever was available. I was completely selfless. It's not my fault, they should have been more grateful, then maybe they would still be alive." She finished begrudgingly.

Blitzo-" I'm going to go out on a limb here. Back on earth, did every person you killed meet their end as a result of rubbing you the wrong way?"

Vanity-" Of course not!" She defended. " Well-I mean…Did Loona tell you about what happend on my Ninth birthday?"

Before he could answer, Moxie came into the office. " Sir, we have a problem!" He warned.

Blitzo-" What is it now? Don't tell me Stolas is here!" He panicked.

Moxie-" Not Stolas. Lady Kuvira!"

Vanity-" The Peaky Blinder of Hell?

Blitzo-" Why is she here?"

Moxie-" She says that she has a job for us. One that requires immediate results."

Blitzo-" Well so long as she doesn't want to kill any of us there should be nothing to worry about." He said confidently as he made straightened himself out. " Vanity I do apologise but it spears as if we shall have to continue this interview later, but I'm happy t say that you are just the right kind of bat-shit crazy we here at I.M.P. are looking for. We'll be In touch soon." He concluded as he shook her hand.

Vanity-" You better be. Because is you don't I know where you all live." She casually threatened as she left the room.

Moxie-" She seems nice." He said sarcastically.

Blitzo-" That woman has is crazier than Charles Manson. I want you to hire her."

Moxie-" Sir from what Loona has told me, she sounds like dangerous social path, and she dresses like one of playboys rabbit girls if they were into BDSM. If we where to take her out on a job I'm not sure we could control her blood lust. She could damage our reputation."

Blitzo-" Moxie any publicity is good publicity, besides I'm getting board and caring less. We will pick again later, send in Kuvira."

Moxie begrudgingly complied and showed Kuvira into Blitzo's office. Kuvira was a Dogo daemon, identical in form to Loona, but had black and silver fur instead of white and gray. She also had heterochronic Blue and Purple eyes, wore a 1920's style British suit, with an English flat cap, and carried a cain that was also a blade. She entered the room and instantly the air changed, this was a powerful woman, and Blitoz knew it.

Blitzo-" Lady Kurvira, allow me to welcome you to Imp city." He expressed.

Kuvira-" Pleasure to meet ya." She said with a Mancunian accent. " Nice place you got here and even nicer staff. I wouldn't mind going doggy style on your receptionist if you don't mind me saying so." She said flirtatiously. Blitzo didn't know how to respond to that, so he just laughed along and smiled. " Let's down to the reason I'm here." She stated as she sat down, cain in hand. " I want you to kill a blighter by the name of Cillian Murphy."

Blitzo-" Any specific way you'd like him to die?"

Kuvira-" Not really, I'll leave it up to you. I just want him dead If I'm being honest."

Blitzo-" May is ask why?"

Kuvira-" He's giving my trend a bad name!" She snapped. " You know how Hell gets Netflix?"

Blitzo-" Of course. All the streaming company presidents are devout Satanists so we get access to that crap. I find surprising though that America got Disney Plus before we did."

Kuvira-" Anyway it turns out that there's this BBC program by the name of Peaky Blinders, I don't mind it, it actually gets a lot of the stuff right." She explained as she messed with her cain. " But his character, Tommy Shelby is a horrible example of how we used to do things. See I was the leader of the Peaky Blinders back in the day. Couldn't let it be common knowledge that a female fag was calling the shots tho, least not back then. So I worked through various sources, pointing guns at the heads of those who didn't want to play, and paying off those who did. But all the while I did things with a certain…finesse. None of which he or his character possess."

Blitzo-" So you're putting a hit on an actor because he is bad at the role he portrays?"

Kuvira-" I don't see how it's any different from what those computer nerds do on the YouTube. Only difference is I have an actual claim to hold a grudge. When I died I rebuilt my empire from what I had to work with down here, and I have owned the north side of Pentagram City for the last century or so. I need to maintain that power, and when some cocky cunt tries to call me a knockoff of Tommy Murphy, it right pisses me off. I'm having neither my living or dead reputation shat on anymore." She angrily elaborated.

Blitzo-" We'll get right on it." He said professionally. " We don't call ourselves the Immediate Murder Professionals for nothing. If you could sign this we'll be in business." Blitzo snapped his fingers and manifested a contract, Kuvira signed it, the words lighting up when she was finished. " Lady Kuvira, Cillian Murphy will be dead within the next twenty four hours. Give your contact details to Loona on your way out and we'll call you when the job is done."

Kuvira-" See that he is." She replied as she dropped a small bag of cash on his desk. Blitzo's eyes turned into dollar signs. " Consider this a generous donation to your business. And if this goes well, I maybe needing your services again." She said as she walked out the office.

Moxie came in soon after, Blitzo counting the money he was just handed. " How did it go?" Moxie asked.

Blitzo-" We just got a new contract. A very, very generous contract. Mox If we can do this right we might finally have A, a frequent client and B, the good kind of bad publicity!" He excitedly announced. " EVERYONE GET IN HERE!" He shouted. " We have a new job and we're leaving now. Vanity consider this the second part of your interview, Millie our resident weapons specialist will show you our equipment."

Vanity-" Excellent. Glad you made the right choice." She said galeenty.

Millie-" If you'll follow me, I'll show you our arsenal. I've got some switchblades that would look lovely on you." She said cheerfully.

Blitzo-" Moxie take this and get to finding Cillian Murphy." He instructed as he handed him the contract. " As soon as we have a location we're going."

Moxie-" Sir this is our first big break as it were. Should we really be taking Vanity?"

Blitzo-" Probably not but it should make for some good fun." He said mischievously.

Author Note.-" To clarify. I have nothing against Cillian Murphy, or Peaky Blinders, I actually really like the show. I just wanted to explore the situation that will unfold next chapter."


	3. Performance-review

After taking on a contract to kill a British actor, the company set out with an optimistic attitude towards their venture. It does not last.

Blitzo-" I have called this meeting to discuss the events of our last job." He said as he addressed his staff in the office. " Now I understand that things didn't exactly go according to plan."

Moxie-" That's putting it mildly." Moxie interjected.

Blitzo-" Buuuut I think we need to focus not so much on what went wrong, so much as what went right. Our original target is dead, and Lady Kuvira is satisfied. With the added bonus of her wating to work with us again in the future. So overall I'd call this a win." He finished.

Moxie-" Sir with all due respect, that was without a doubt the worst job we have ever done. It was even more disastrous than when we tried to kill a group of hikers and accidently set an entire mountain on fire."

Millie-" Kind of ironic, seeing as the mountain was called Winter Hill."

Vanity-" I don't now what you all are complaining about, like Blitzo said we killed this Murphy character, no fuss." Vanity pointed out."

Moxie-" Thanks to you we nearly didn't!" Moxie angrily replied. " Because of you, an entire production building has burned to the ground and killed about a hundred innocent people. This isn't even counting the person you tied up and pushed off the boardwalk."

Vanity-" That girl was asking for it! She kept pestering me about my body. She thought it was a costume, can you believe it? As if a group of people would want to waste their time dressing up in costumes themed after animals."

Loona-" Clearly you've never heard of DeviantArt." Said Loona as she messed on her phone.

Vanity-" What's that?" She asked confusedly.

Loona-" It's an art website where nerds draw humanoid animals and then jerk off to them." She said bluntly.

Millie-" And how would you know about this?" She asked.

Loona-" Because I used to do the exact same thing back when I was alive."

Blitzo-" Look can we please get back on track for a second?" He asked, slightly stressed out. " What I am trying to do here is figure out what exactly went wrong, and where."

Moxie-" I can answer that." He stated as he stood up. " What happened was Vanity killed an entire warehouse of actors and staff, by locking them inside and setting the building on fire. Killing the target yes, but also several innocents."

Vanity-" I don't see what the problem is we achieved out endgame did we not?" She asked.

Millie-" I know we did, but these things work out better the less collateral damage we cause."

Blitzo-" Millie's right Vanity, if we draw too much attention to ourselves it could make things harder in the future."

Vanity-" Look, none of those people where innocent." She defended. " They all must have sinned at some point or another in their lives."

Millie-" That's not the point though, we have a target each time we go up there. We shouldn't just kill anyone for the sake of it. As fun as it is."

Blitzo-" Look here's the short version." Blitzo interjected. " While things may not have gone as planned, we did succeed and with Vanity's help. Which is why I am announcing that you have passed your probation. Welcome to I.M.P.!"

Vanity-" OH MY LORD THS IS SO UNEXPECTED!" She yelled out in happiness.'

Moxie-" Sir. Have you gone completely insane?!" He asked agitated.

Blitzo-" Oh pipe down Moxie." He ordered. " The target's dead and Kuvira's happy. Sure some people died but apart form that there are no negative consequences."

Immediately after he said that a car slammed through the side of the building, thrown from the street below. Everyone quickly moved back in shock.

Loona-" What the Heaven was that?!"

Moxie-" Does anyone else hear that sound?" Asked Moxie.

Soon everyone could hear it. It was the sound of glass and stone breaking and it was getting closer. Eventually a figure pulled itself up form the broken entrance in the window. It was a demon that had several characteristics of Medusa. Long, dark green hair, that could break through walls. Her body, arms, and legs where thin, her face covered by a steel welder mask, with glowing red eyes. Spike bracelets around her wrists and neck. The rest of her body covered in a black jumpsuit. She looked at the Company, then addressed them. Her voice twisted and electric, she said.

-"You…You killed me!" She said as she looked at Vanity.

Everyone drew their arms, preparing to fight. As they did Vanity had something to say the demon in front of her. She calmingly and casually said .

Vanity-" Sorry dear, I've a lot of people. Could you please be more specific?"

As she finished, the demon rushed past everyone and grabbed Vanity, pinning her up against the wall. She leaned her face to Vanity and said.

-" You drowned me!"

Vanity-" Oh yes now I remember you!" She realised. " You where that clingy bitch who I tossed into the ocean. I have to say you haven't done bad for yourself have you? Nice form, a fan of medusa where you?"

Rather than answering, she flung Vanity onto the table, breaking it. Vanity quickly got up and tossed herself towards the others, preparing to fight.

Vanity-" I hope this means I don't loose my job." She said to Blitzo.

To clarify. I have nothing against Furriers, I just wrote those things for the sake of comedy.


End file.
